Free-Range Fridays #3
To my subscribers – If you have, as of mid-today, received TWO emails with new blog posts and one is delightfully colorful and the other is boring and ugly, I suggest you unsubscribe then re-subscribe. PLEASE re-subscribe. (NEW THOUGHT! Try unsubscribing from JUST the ugly one! Then next Friday tell me if it worked…) We’re trying to make the mysterious, offensive-to-the-eye emails go away.
I have begun to learn to use the Twitter. If you have already mastered the Twitter, please help me. I feel like I should be addicted since I have an addictive personality, but I am not. I must be missing something. Like people to talk to. Or Twitter to. Tweet to.
A conversation inspired by “The Social Anxiety Serpent”:
The Man: Did you really fall into the pool fully clothed?
Me: Yes. Twice. Everything I write is true.
The Man: TWICE?!! How the hell does someone fall into a pool twice?!!
Me: Why are you so surprised? It’s a very commonly occurring thing.
The Man: I don’t think it is.
Me: Whatever. The first time I was trying to reach for a pink balloon when I was six. I was in a party dress. The second time I was dressed to go to dinner and made the brilliant decision of throwing water at a bunch of boys —including my current crush— who were all floating in a raft in my swimming pool during a Boy Scout thing. Then I fell in. And it was so embarrassing that I wanted to drown and die. Happy?
The Man: Yes.
Me: It happens.
The Man: I don’t think it does.
Me: It does.
The Man: Doesn’t. Also, you need to write that I’m not as crazy as I seem in the post.
Me: But… you ARE. I drew you doing those things because you, ya know, actually did them all… Many times… So much… There was so much doing of those things. I didn’t even write about the time you almost got into a fight with the Australian navy OR how you hug people for uncomfortably long periods of time.
The Man: Well, I don’t do them anymore since I don’t drink! I mean, except for the hugging. And the speaking in languages I don’t really know. But I do that because it’s cool.
Me: It’s not, though.
The Man: That’s your opinion. And it’s wrong. Also, why do you draw my facial hair like this? I look terrible.
Me: Right? You should shave.
The Man: No, I mean I look terrible in the drawing.
Me: But that’s what it looks like.
The Man: No it doesn’t!
Me: It does, though. I think the clear solution here is for you to shave more often. Also, I think my drawing looks GREAT. Your skin is wrinkle-free! Unlike real life because you furrow your brow so much. “I’m the MAN, I’m INTENSE! Furrow, furrow, furrow!”
(And at that point I was tickled, which I hate. It may have ended up with me biting his collar bone, but I don’t really remember.)
WORDS! (week 3/50)
Here for your nerdy pleasure are 5 of the top 250 tough/frequent SAT words according to Sparknotes.com. Thank you to also Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com. If I have used any of the words incorrectly, please do correct me in the comments! I would like to think I’m not fostering improper usage. That would affect my delusion of being a world-changing word martyr.
1. To claim or seize without justification; to make undue claims to having
2. To claim on behalf of another
AUNT MARY arrogated to herself the power to dictate the family’s menu and forced everyone to eat three pudding cups per day. This caused their bodies to become excessively squishy with the exception of Vanessa, who actually lost fifteen pounds due to her severe lactose intolerance.
1. Practicing strict self-denial as a measure of personal and especially spiritual discipline
2. Austere in appearance, manner, or attitude
AFTER HE caught his wife silently copulating with the town mime, Joseph ran into the mountains to live an ascetic life despite her insistence that they were “only pretending”. However, his simple diet of raw cow milk and dandelions proved problematic when he realized his lactose intolerance was making it impossible to keep his cave clean.
1. A sprinkling of water, especially in religious ceremonies
2. A false or misleading charge meant to harm someone’s reputation
EVEN THOUGH Henry was absolutely livid that Juliet gifted him a “Yogurt-of-the-month” subscription while knowing full well that he was lactose intolerant, he did not cast an aspersion upon her character. He did, however, eat the entirety of February’s yogurt in one sitting and mightily soil the bush outside of her bedroom window.
1. Showing great care, attention, and effort; Hard-working, diligent
BARNEY’S ASSIDUOUS research on lactose free cheese was so looked down upon in his French hometown that his mother began to tell people he had died. So he moved to China, became famous, and won a wife one-third his age whose family came over every Sunday for pizza and mozzarella sticks.
1. To coax with flattery
2. To use flattery or cajolery
EVEN THOUGH Amelia’s lactose intolerance had gotten the better of her and her burning anus, the guys tried to blandish her into going out to the club by saying that the adult diapers actually cinched her tummy and made her look especially slender.