Free-Range Fridays #4
It’s Friday! Again. It’s like it happens every week.
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The Man: Why are people on Facebook putting nutsacks at the end of their sentences?
The Man: Nutsacks. Look here, it says “you are amazing and brilliant” then a nutsack.
Me: That is NOT a nutsack. It is a heart.
The Man: Are you sure? It looks like a nutsack.
Me: It is a HEART. It means LOVE.
The Man: A nutsack could also mean love. Here look, doesn’t mine appear loving?
Me: No. No it does not. Now pull your shorts back up before you scare the girls.
MORE STUFF! BONUS! I call this “Meanwhile In My Brother’s House”:
I owe some elements of my sense of humor to growing up with constant
emotional battering teasing from my eldest brother. I would like to note that he is WAAAAAAAAAYYYY older than me. Not really relevant, but still true. So. Old. Also, this is not the brother who came up with “Free-Range Fridays”. That brother is different though also TREMENDOUSLY older than me. They are lucky I am around to keep them young.
This is a true-to-life dinner conversation that occurred in my eldest brother’s household last week:
Brother: Son, tell us what you’re learning in school.
Nephew: Did you know that it is very easy to make butter?
Sister-In-Law: No it’s not.
Nephew: Yes it is. You just churn heavy cream for 10 minutes and you have butter.
Sister-In-Law: But how did you get the heavy cream?
Brother: Yes son, getting the heavy cream is the difficult part. You have to get someone to swish milk around in their mouth for hours to get heavy cream.
Nephew: What?!! Really???
Sister-In-Law: Lies. He is lying.
Nephew: Did you know that some people eat horses?
Sister-In-Law: No they don’t.
Nephew: Well what about Lewis and Clark?
Sister-In-Law: Okay, that was a very extreme situation.
Brother: Did you know there was a time where crops were failing and people were starving so they had to make this thing called Soylent Green?
Nephew: What is Soylent Green?
Brother: You’re studying colonial times, right? Ask your teacher.
Sister-In-Law: Do NOT ask your teacher! Do not even mention this to your teacher.
Brother: Did you know that there was a time in some places where everyone drank beer?
Sister-In-Law: Well, THAT is true. They made beer because the water was contaminated.
Nephew: Everyone from very old people to babies drank beer!
Sister-In-Law: Now that’s not true. Babies drank breast milk.
Brother: Well son, even the breast milk could be contaminated, so fathers had to take the breast milk and swish it around in their…
Sister-In-Law: LIES! ALL LIES!
(My sister-in-law is what you would call “long-suffering”. )
Oh, and to end this introduction to my eldest REALLY OLD brother, here is a drawing of what my sister-in-law turned around to when my nephew said “Hey mom, we’re going to sing a Christmas Carol for you!”
This apparently involved battery packs, saran wrap, and a rousing rendition of “Feliz Navidad”.
In reference to “Why I Do NOT Drink Alcohol”:
The Man would like me to emphasize that he did NOT drink 151 because he’s macho, but so he could taste the wonderful flavors of hard drink AND get shit-faced. He seems to feel this is somehow a redeeming statement because everyone knows it is better to be seen as a drunkard than a man trying to uphold some semblance of masculinity.
He also recommends swishing 151 prior to drinking a good bottle of liquor as it will give you the magical ability to taste the intricate flavors instead of just the alcohol. Keep in mind this advice comes from a man who, after drinking an excessive amount of 151, tried to pee IN a piano.
That piano now owes me its life.
Also, the Man no longer drinks as it has proved… unwise. It equals, ya know, a LOT of REALLY BAD THINGS.
Lastly, the club where the incident occurred has since closed and been replaced by a new club, which makes me feel like I can finally return.
WORDS! (Week 4/50)
Here for your nerdy pleasure are 5 of the top 250 tough/frequent SAT words according to Sparknotes.com. Thank you to also Merriam-Webster. If I have used any of the words incorrectly, please do correct me in the comments! I would like to think I’m not fostering improper usage. That would affect my delusion of being a world-changing word martyr.
1. A benefit or favor, especially one given in response to a request
2. A blessing
THE FIFTY-THOUSAND dollar donation would have been a nice boon to the extreme activist group, “Fruits and Vegetables Have Feelings Too”, had the entire 8-person organization not perished from starvation prior to cashing the check.
1. Markedly short and abrupt
2. Blunt in manner or speech, often to the point of ungracious harshness
WHEN PATRICIA foolishly asked if it was okay to eat a dried apricot, Lester brusquely wheezed “Well, would YOU like to be severed and put out in the sun until you shriveled up and died?” before motioning weakly for his supper of water and a half-rotted mango.
1. To strike sharply, especially with the hand
2. To strike repeatedly; batter
3. To drive, move, force, or attack by or as if by repeated blows
1. A counter for refreshments
2. A meal set out on a buffet or table for ready access and informal service.
ROARING WINDS buffeted the recreation center in which the buffet was being held, making it impossible for Tracy’s fragile voice to inquire as to whether the apples in the apple cinnamon delight had been picked or had been allowed to fall naturally to their death.
1. To make shiny or lustrous, especially by rubbing; polish
2. To rub (a material) with a tool for compacting or smoothing or turning an edge
ONCE A fine craftsman who could restore and burnish old silverware to like-new conditions, Andy’s malnourished state only allowed him enough energy to gaze quietly out of the FAVHFT’s hall window and weep feebly for the lemons being brutally plucked from their tree in the neighbors yard.
1. A structure built against a wall in order to support or strengthen it
2. Something that supports or strengthens
1. To support, strengthen, or defend (something)
THE LACK of a proper buttress in the design of the FAVHFT’s hall led to its collapse in the middle of the night. Interestingly enough, the members of the organization had, hours earlier, already perished from malnutrition. The deaths of the 8 activists were used to buttress the argument of the opposing activist group, “Nothing Has Feelings, Especially Animals”, which stated that every non-human living thing was put on this earth to be grilled or fried in butter.
NOTE: I would LOVE to hear your own sentences made with these words. A lot. I would love it a lot. If a sentence or two shows up I may even weep quietly for a moment out of sheer joy.