Friday Rambling #1
IT’S TIME for the Friday write-whatever-I-want-regardless-of-theme-or-logic post! Yay! I’m trying to think of a name for my Friday post that is more provocative than “Friday Rambling”. If you have suggestions, please leave them in the comments.
ANNOUNCEMENTS: (Here’s where I will make life-altering announcements.)
THANK YOU all SO MUCH for a wonderful launch on April 1st! Please forgive the hiccups with my newsletter/post sign-up and other things, I’m still figuring it all out. Slowly. Veeeery slowly. If you were watching me it would seem like I’m staying perfectly still, but I’m not. Take a time-lapse and you will see the progression.
MY TENTATIVE plan is to publish an illustrated post early in the week and this, uh, thing on Fridays. I would like to add another small post mid-week, but that’s going to require drawing at the speed of light. I am currently at speed of sloth so… yes.
STUFF: (Here’s where I will ramble about whatever I want.)
A COUPLE of days ago I received a perplexing picture of The Man’s crotch surrounded by shredded fabric. At first I was like “OH MY GOD YOUR CROTCH EXPLODED!” then observed that the crotch itself seemed intact whereas the pants around it had suffered serious injury.
Apparently, during an installation (he installs fiber optic thingies) his pants snagged on a fence he was jumping and ripped violently open from the front clear to the back. All that stood between his man-sea-cucumber and the tropical breeze was a pair of dazzling red underwear, and he had two more hours of work to go.
Mind you, he was working in a home with a family present and had to tell them “please don’t look at me” as he bustled around their house climbing ladders with flashes of red undie at every turn. I bet the wife looked. It’s a good thing he even had underwear on (as that is not always the case). It’s also a good thing the fence didn’t snag anything else though his company does have excellent workers compensation.
Here is his very special “balloon friend” that he crafted a couple of years ago. Those are ears. So he says.
Isn’t it precious?
He requested a “bow and arrow” from the balloon twister and received this beauty. The Man said “What is it with this kid and his penis balloons?”
I’m going to put this in his Christmas stocking. I’ll be all “Cause you love cock!” and we’ll laugh merrily and it’ll turn into a jolly family tradition. I do realize that Christmas is very far away. I suppose I’ll have to purchase a new one.
NOTES ON POSTS: (Here is where I will add tidbits of additional information about my posts that you may or may not want to know.)
WE WERE having dinner in a versatile diner that can, upon request, serve almost their entire menu in vegan* form. This is not to suggest that the vegan versions are better for you, they are simply lacking in animal products and most certainly NOT healthy at all. This glorious restaurant is where vegans can enjoy grease and sugar just like normal Americans. This is where vegans can become obese, clog their arteries, and die.
We were so busy with our gravy french fries and vegan Monte Cristos that we neglected to pay attention to the smallest who was quietly creeping about the booth. As I happily sucked down my vegan chocolate shake a bald guy from the booth behind us suddenly leapt up and exclaimed:
“Your daughter just licked my head!”
I was horrified as those are, for several reasons, not words you want to tumble from a stranger’s mouth. I felt like a parenting failure, like a cave person with an untrained head-licking monkey. I was also uncertain of what to do next — do I wipe his glistening head? Do I offer him a napkin? Do I instruct the smallest to apologize knowing full well she won’t because she is speech delayed?
Fortunately he was quite drunk, and despite my daughter’s saliva resting like a little shining crown on his hairless cranium, he laughed and said she was cute. So… Yes. That was that. His head must have looked exceptionally delicious. Though she does lick the ground, so it’s quite possible “tasty-looking” is not a factor in her decision making…
*we are no longer vegan but aspire to someday return. Someday soon. But not tomorrow.
WORDS: (Here is where you and I will cement useful SAT words into our sponge-like brains.)
-If you are not an aspiring logophile I suggest you just skip this section.-
HERE FOR your nerdy pleasure are 5 of the top 250 tough/frequent SAT words according to www.sparknotes.com. As will be evidenced by the fine, sophisticated, and extremely mature crafting of words, I composed the example sentences myself. In all honesty, I’m trying to expand my vocabulary and using this blog to do it. Cause I can. PLUS, in a year you will have mastered 250 important SAT words. If THAT’S not value, I don’t know what is.
See if you can guess today’s theme (of the sentences, not the words).
1. To renounce upon oath, to reject solemnly
2. To abstain from
Though Madam Mumfkin claimed to abjure gluttony, she often snuck into the school’s pantry at midnight and shoved an entire box of powdered mini donuts down her greedy gullet. That is how she became diabetic. And died.
1. To formally abolish
2. To fail to do what is required
Due to Newton’s pesky habit of copping a feel, the mayor had to abrogate his right to walk around the town freely. This is how Newton wound up trying to grab the librarian’s titty while on a unicycle. And ran into a lamp post. And died.
1. Expressing harsh criticism in a clever way
Whitney pretended to laugh at Walter’s acerbic jokes about her religion, but when she returned home she cried so hard that she became dehydrated, died, and discovered that heaven was simply a cafe with free cupcakes and bottomless nachos.
1. Angry and bitter feelings
The naked three-legged race was meant to reduce acrimony between families, but pairing Nanami’s teeny tiny mother with Tyrone’s towering father had tragic results — his hefty manhood slapped her so hard in the face that she fell over, struck her temple on a rock, and died. Her obituary did not include cause of death.
1. The ability to think clearly and make good decisions
Though the flavor of Emry’s deep fried bacon mayo cakes could make the brawniest of men weep pearly tears of pure joy, he lacked the business acumen to make his food truck a success. Plus, he had several heart attacks. And died.
-Thank you to Sparknotes and Merriam-Webster and the teachers at Iolani School who made me love English. Especially Dr. Webb, who was amazing for many reasons beyond the fact that he let us drink coffee in class.-
YOU’VE MADE it all the way to the bottom of the post! That means it’s possible that we could be best friends. Unless you made it all the way down here despite hating it. In that case you will find my presence unduly annoying and should avoid all one-on-one contact with me in the future.